something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
