mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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