does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Oh god it's open bar.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
