Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i was born a porn star she said
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
