Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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