I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
