a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She told me I should be a condom model.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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