There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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