I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
