I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
