I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
