so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
