dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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