??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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