This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
