John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
