she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
