Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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