I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize