Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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