I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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