why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
