So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Redeem this text for a blowjob
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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