so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
