i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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