That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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