im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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