so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
