i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
