Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
