Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
