On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
