Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
