On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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