hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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