This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
