Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
