i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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