remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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