i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
