I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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