I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize