I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
