I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
