Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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