I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
