Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
