I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize