we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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