Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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