when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
