Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
