sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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