Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
