mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
