I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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