I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
