We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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