Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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