singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
