Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
