I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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