Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
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