Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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