Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
