If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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